and it makes me want to write.
walter meego. that guy is like a genius. very hip. like in a lo key high fidelity type of way. i think its just a combination of the website design and the initial shock of discovering the 'star' song on youTube. i havent heard my brain melt like that in years. it was a perfect way to wake up at 5am. the last time i felt that was when i pushed too deep into my skull with either fingers or q-tips. like, "am i supposed to feel euphoric"
so, vampires. im not saying anything else.
hulu. nothing more, as well.
oh, and xtube. i love pornography. i need my daily dose of random guys lost in their own sense of euphoria.
nightlife. is. fuuun! im so not ready for it though. im thinking i should ask mommy for a digital camera, cuz i feel so lost without any type of device to release my creativity. it might be interesting to see what pours out. and in what colors and in what fashion they merge.
liquidity is a fun word. i never get to use it though.
new hair cut, by moi.
wearing my old leatherwares.
redecorating the bedroom.
meeting the cool kids. and the cool kids are in town tomorrow.
more vodka please. oh oh oh . the beer served last nite was so infantile that i felt innocently virginal in like a female way, and it made me feel uncomfortable just to hold the cup in my hand. like, "can someone please just pour it down my throat" or "slam it!"
listening to some banging music. and by some, i mean, very little.
i feel as if im writing poetry, only unknowinlgy.
ice ceam!!!! breyers has this like, mint chocolate chip that isnt green!!!! oh! makes my eyezcream.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
recently...words
recently there hasnt been a lot of anything pulling me in any one direction more than the other.
but speaking to anyone has left me feeling empty and without feedback, without a satiating bite into day to day speech. and to think inwardly isnt nearly as satisfying asthinking outwardly, even if the only audience is myself and the television that sits along the wall and below the window perched above its massive display. listening to every conversation on all the channels has revealed that there is very little coverage of anyone, or persons, who speak with a more of a vernacular that has the sound of not only age but that of a mutlitude of words. as if the only people who are being targeted in the media and the branches thereof, is, mindless shut-ins who cannot tollerate confrontational conversations.
and to pursue a more versed audience, i am going to begin a game. albeit in my mind, or rather, a silent endeavor at seeking out a wider range of listeners, im going to begin speaking in double alliterated phrases, sentences, prose, and speak. i dont think there can be more of a game to see if im either more wide awake than i really am or whether people are really as awake as i think they may be. silly effort? perhaps however the days may pass sooner than most with something to think of rather than deadening the activity winding and driving my brain.
with this effort i think, i may find consuming written printed materials as fuel.
language. ive been thinking about language for a very long time without anyone being able to offer me their opinion. and right now i dont know the words to describe what i want to say. and not reading anything full of language has left my brain drained. there arent any words that i can use while writing to shape an image, an idea of what it is i am going to begin. all i know is that speaking to most people i find no substance.
who am i to think of them as less than they are, but its like something you can feel, like you look at them and think, is that how you choose to speak or is that how to choose to speak to me? i can understand a lack of substance if a man or woman chooses to speak to me in that manner, then again being extremely egocentric i find myself often wanting to place myself in that position. the position of self-abasement. but simply not knowing another way to "clean it up" in a sense, kinda lets me down.
the last man who impressed me was, as i have described, a little too perfect. even those days we would meet to simply be together, he would know exactly what i was thinking and would behave according to those ideas that were being thought of, in as little as a few hours preceding our encounter. example, i was in a deep state of lucid thought. thinking, that words, phrases, mantras, even simple collections of power thoughts being written for use, must be able to be both said/read both backwards/forwards. not only in simple sentences but in entire conversations as well. and later that evening, we walked and spoke in this manner, with him being more impressive because it was done so simply that i had found myself speechless in candor and presence. i had been asking only a few about a palindrome i had come across during a significant month in my life, that i had wanted tattooed on my arms. beginning on one and ending on the other. i havent though of that combination of words until just now. odd as it seems, i also had thought to myself that i might begin creating more inspirational ideas that might be placed upon my skin.
and now thinking that i havent had a friend with whom to have done this when younger is disheartening, though i am fickle about with whom i share ideas. you know the way the young sometimes will make a secret language that only they share.
maybe i really dont like being brainless.
but speaking to anyone has left me feeling empty and without feedback, without a satiating bite into day to day speech. and to think inwardly isnt nearly as satisfying asthinking outwardly, even if the only audience is myself and the television that sits along the wall and below the window perched above its massive display. listening to every conversation on all the channels has revealed that there is very little coverage of anyone, or persons, who speak with a more of a vernacular that has the sound of not only age but that of a mutlitude of words. as if the only people who are being targeted in the media and the branches thereof, is, mindless shut-ins who cannot tollerate confrontational conversations.
and to pursue a more versed audience, i am going to begin a game. albeit in my mind, or rather, a silent endeavor at seeking out a wider range of listeners, im going to begin speaking in double alliterated phrases, sentences, prose, and speak. i dont think there can be more of a game to see if im either more wide awake than i really am or whether people are really as awake as i think they may be. silly effort? perhaps however the days may pass sooner than most with something to think of rather than deadening the activity winding and driving my brain.
with this effort i think, i may find consuming written printed materials as fuel.
language. ive been thinking about language for a very long time without anyone being able to offer me their opinion. and right now i dont know the words to describe what i want to say. and not reading anything full of language has left my brain drained. there arent any words that i can use while writing to shape an image, an idea of what it is i am going to begin. all i know is that speaking to most people i find no substance.
who am i to think of them as less than they are, but its like something you can feel, like you look at them and think, is that how you choose to speak or is that how to choose to speak to me? i can understand a lack of substance if a man or woman chooses to speak to me in that manner, then again being extremely egocentric i find myself often wanting to place myself in that position. the position of self-abasement. but simply not knowing another way to "clean it up" in a sense, kinda lets me down.
the last man who impressed me was, as i have described, a little too perfect. even those days we would meet to simply be together, he would know exactly what i was thinking and would behave according to those ideas that were being thought of, in as little as a few hours preceding our encounter. example, i was in a deep state of lucid thought. thinking, that words, phrases, mantras, even simple collections of power thoughts being written for use, must be able to be both said/read both backwards/forwards. not only in simple sentences but in entire conversations as well. and later that evening, we walked and spoke in this manner, with him being more impressive because it was done so simply that i had found myself speechless in candor and presence. i had been asking only a few about a palindrome i had come across during a significant month in my life, that i had wanted tattooed on my arms. beginning on one and ending on the other. i havent though of that combination of words until just now. odd as it seems, i also had thought to myself that i might begin creating more inspirational ideas that might be placed upon my skin.
and now thinking that i havent had a friend with whom to have done this when younger is disheartening, though i am fickle about with whom i share ideas. you know the way the young sometimes will make a secret language that only they share.
maybe i really dont like being brainless.
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